It's My Blog and I'll Vent If I Want To

Sometimes I don't want to have a post in mind. Sometimes I just want to get on here and spit out all that's swirling around in my head on a day like today and it to be okay. But instead I sit and try to figure out how to fit it all in neat and pretty with pictures and a relevant topic to blend it in to. After an hour of fighting it, though, I am abandoning the perfection that I am constantly striving for in so many ways. Perhaps it is just that I haven't taken my extra B-Complex in the last couple of days. They are my happy pills and I oh-so-need them on a regular basis. Or maybe it's just that Adam is staying out of town for work tonight, and I don't do well with him gone - I don't sleep, I eat way too much (like the bag of tortilla chips I'm putting down right now), and I just feel unsettled. Plus, as much as it is completely ridiculous and I fight it, I may not know quite how I feel about him having an apartment in another town for work that we've never seen. Like I said, completely irrational, but it's like some other life separate from us and it feels weird. Maybe it has to do with little sleep last night and an evening of 2 hours to get Max and Helena to sleep. And trying to figure out the ins and outs of starting up my photography business and how some days I feel like I just don't have the time to process the pictures that I want to process.

I am simply off tonight, and I guess I feel the need to get on here and say that I AM OFF. And that happens around here. I paint a pretty picture, but there are just some days that aren't so pretty. I have days when I feel pulled in a million directions and I simply can't be what everyone needs me to be when they all need me to be something different at the same time. There are days when Bella has so much attitude it's ridiculous, and gets things taken away for hitting, shoving, and kicking Kane. There are days when Kane has several temper tantrums and I have to physically carry him upstairs and heave him onto his top bunk. There are days when Max screams like a panther every time someone touches something that he has decided he would like to have, like a plastic orange or a stick. And there are days when I have to try to figure out what the heck I ate because I'm on my fourth shirt and Laini has just soaked it with spit. And on those days, sometimes I even sit down and have a nice cry in the middle of the kitchen floor in the middle of the day. And today really wasn't that bad at all, for some reason I just feel the need to say there are days that are that NOT pretty. I feel like I always get on here and post the prettiness, which makes sense, because there is so much of it here. Most days ARE perfect and beautiful, and I know looking back those are the ones I'll remember. But some aren't, and you just don't take pictures of those.

So there, I have put out the ugliness. And it feels good to have said it. Because now that I have acknowledged the feelings of inadequacy and overwhelmingness that comes with my life, I can move past them and focus on all the beauty. Even the beauty of truth and feelings. Because although I can rant my heart out, I feel blessed to be able to. I am blessed with my husband, my children, my life, my home, my passions, my mind, and my love, and even though it is not always pretty, it IS always blessed. Even when, at the end of the day, it makes me feel like this...